If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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