My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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