True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
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Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
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official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
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