I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.