I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
