my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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