we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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