this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
