Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
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I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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