i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
