my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Randomize
