Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
