My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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