Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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