Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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