I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
