Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
