you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
