I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
