do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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