You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
