apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
