Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
