We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
