She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
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We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
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he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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