The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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