why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My vagina is officially offended.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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