When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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