As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
