I seem to have left my pride at pride
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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