I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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