I faked an abortion last night.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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