I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize
