the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
