After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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