Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My vagina just recognized that song.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
