When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Help. Why am I so naked?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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