I feel like I'm in dance class right now
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
