The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize