and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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