Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
