I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
