im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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