I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
