Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
