I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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