I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
