mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
