rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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