idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
