I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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