waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
