and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
