i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize