K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
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